My struggle with Scripture
by Tim Hunter
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Standing in my dorm room. Backpack half-heartedly slung over my right shoulder, questions racing in my head like some kind of Nascar loop. No answers.
I knelt down at my bunkbed. My elbows drove into the flimsy mattress till I could feel the springs underneath. I knew I needed to pray, but I did not know exactly how to form the words I wanted to say to God. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that I didn’t know if saying the words I wanted to say to God was ok. But I inhaled and began praying. It went something like this:
God, I need you. I need your strength to preach this sermon tonight. I do not feel like I can even get up there to preach. To be honest Lord I am doubting your word. I am doubting the scriptures themselves. I see things in there that make me shake my head, what if this is all a lie? What if the very thing I am resting my life on is a fake? I cannot reconcile the truths about you with some of the wickedness I see in the world. But I have to preach in a few hours so please help me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
I got up, grabbed my backpack, and headed out the door. I had my Bible and eight pages of manuscript notes for the sermon I was preaching in just a few hours. The title of my sermon?
Scripture: Sustained and Satisfied from 2 Timothy 3:15-17.
I was preaching on the very book that I was so deeply doubting.
Ok. Let me clarify. I did not tell that story to propagate the idea that it is a good idea for preachers to preach things that they don’t believe in. I do not in any way think that a preacher should cast doubt on the scriptures. The scriptures are the life-blood of every minister, every Christian, every follower of Jesus. But what I hope is clear from that story is that sometimes our journey with scripture is less like a linear journey up and to the right, and a lot more like a journey with mountaintop highs and valley lows. Our views of scripture are often orthodox but deep below the surface we often have a more complicated relationship with Scripture than we would dare to admit. Just because we believe that Scripture is inspired by God does not guarantee that our journey into it will be free from struggle.
Remember, Scripture is infallible, we are not.
With that introduction, I would like to briefly share my own journey with Scripture. See, I lay the weight of my entire life both now and in eternity on an ancient collection of sixty-six books. I believe with all my heart that this book that many of us have multiple copies of in leather-bound and hardback, digital and paperback, is God’s word to us. But my story does not come with an
easy proverbial nod to the head of the validity of scripture and a metaphorical bow to tie. In it, there was struggle, doubt, questioning, joy, numbness, peace, passion, hunger, and security.
Let me share my journey with the Bible in three stages that I went through in the hope that it will be an encouragement to you wherever you are.
Excited and Hungry
This was the first stage of my awakening to the power of scripture. It was my freshman year of college and the Holy Spirit did a profound work in my heart. My heart was opened to desire God’s Word. I would read, and read, and read. I started Bible studies. I shared what I was learning. I was overflowing with passion and wonder at what I was discovering.
During this time I went to work at a Christian camp as a counselor. I still remember fondly waking up each morning before my campers at 5:30 am to go spend time reading and meditating on scripture in the staff lounge. Over bad Keurig camp coffee, I soaked in the transforming power of God’s Word. I came back to school and my roommate and I would shake each other awake each morning to make sure that we were spending time in God’s Word.
It consumed my thoughts, my conversations, and bit by bit my actions. I am a firsthand witness of the words of Hebrews 4:12 - “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” God’s word was refreshingly convicting, joyfully piercing, and wonderfully discerning to my heart.
I fell in love with the scriptures.
I just have to ask. Has this ever happened to you? Has there been a time when you just could not get enough? When you looked forward to the time when you could read the words spoken from heaven to earth, when could you meditate on the very words of God?
However, this didn’t last. And this is where my journey becomes important.
Disillusioned and Numb
As I alluded to earlier my journey into loving and knowing scripture did not just stay up and to the right. There was an initial season of intense love and continual study of the Word. Yet, I entered into a tough season where the joy and the hunger and the love of scripture waned.
I started to doubt, I started to question, to put it simply: I didn’t feel the same about scripture as I did in my previous season. This was very disillusioning. By God’s grace he brought me through this season, and I truly love and cherish God’s word.
But going through a season like this raises some questions: Is our love for the word of God dictated by our feelings? Is our faith in its validity conditioned by our ability to completely understand and answer every objection within its pages? Is my reliance on the scriptures lowered or raised based on my current emotional state?
In short: Is scripture worth reading, studying, and living by because of the way I feel about it, or what it inherently is?
See, if scripture is simply valuable based upon my current feelings for it I have stripped it from its inherent power and meaning. Scripture is not useful because it gives me a gold nugget, or fills me with an emotional charge for the day, or because it gives me a killer one-liner that I can tweet out later.
It’s valuable because it comes from the mouth of the living God.
When we come up against these seasons of doubt and numbness I believe there are two truths we must rest in.
1) The Unchanging Nature of Scripture
Listen to the words of the Apostle Paul writing to his apprentice - the young pastor of Ephesus- Timothy: “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3v14-17)
Notice what everything that Paul says to Timothy hinges on. Scripture is able to lead to salvation, it is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training, and completes and equips christians.
Why?
Because it is, and I quote, breathed out by God. Paul is saying to Timothy to cling to this word, and live this word, and preach this word because of the nature of the word, not the preference of Timothy.
Scripture is true because it comes from God - regardless of how our emotions feel about it. I needed to realize this: because my emotions may change, I will struggle through doubt, and at times my time in the word may be as dry as a Phoenix desert.
But that’s ok - because the worth of scripture is not tied up in how I currently feel about it, but because of what it is. Scripture is strong enough to weather my seasons of doubt, my questioning, and my spiritual dryness.
2) The Experience of the Saints throughout History
This is important for us to remember. Throughout the centuries, men and women who loved God came up against doubt and struggle.
If you doubt me - just read the psalms or read a biography. This is important to remember because at times we have a picture of the christian life that resembles us always overflowing with a continual love for scripture and one hundred percent trust in it.
Yet, a look at the experience of believers throughout history reminds us that people who love Jesus and believe the Bible come up against real doubt. Reframing what faithfulness to Jesus and His word looks like is important. It is not in never having any doubt. It is in trusting and clinging to Jesus and His word despite our doubt.
Looking to the reality of what God’s word is, and the experience of saints throughout history reframes our understanding of scripture from something that is dependent on our current feelings to recognizing that scripture is a time-tested book written by God that is capable of weathering every storm.
By God’s grace he brought me through this season into the final one I will mention.
Lifelong Fidelity to Scripture
Here is where I believe that faithful followers of Jesus must land. Sure, we may go through seasons of doubt or dryness.. We may not always have an intense, tangible hunger for scripture.
Yet, an understanding of what scripture is should lead us to a lifelong fidelity to it. A lifelong pursuit to live a life lived under the authority of Scripture.
This is what I long for and pray for. God, give me a heart that is faithful to your word.
Here’s the catch: fidelity is boring. We live in a world where we expect everything to be like a Hallmark movie. Sparks fly, families are started, and love is found within a couple hours.
But ask any person who is really married: it’s not always like that. Ask anyone who really follows Jesus: sometimes you wake up and feel groggy and don’t want to read your Bible.
But God wrote it. He breathed it out, and their is supernatural power found within its pages. A supernatural book written by the God of the universe is worth wrestling with, crying over, waking up and reading even if we don’t feel like it. It is with clinging to, resting on, living into, and proclaiming to the ends of the world.
May we lean into the ordinary rhythms of a life lived under the authority of the Scriptures.
May God make us people who for all our days, weather every storm and enjoy every celebration with scripture as our constant guide.
May we live and die and lead and love with scripture as our true north.
May we never fling it away based on our feelings, or diminish it from its power by handling it like play-do in our hands to shape into whatever we want. Rather, may we be people who open ourselves up to God’s supernatural book.
Oh and about the story I opened with? The sermon went ok, I was a little dry, but the Bible I preached about?
I read it this morning- and it was amazing.
